Day 4 — Even My Mind Was an Escape

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”

— Psalm 51:10

Day 4.

I smoked a little weed.

I’m not proud of it, but I’m not running from it either. I’m looking at it honestly.

Lately, I’ve been trying my best to stay off my phone.

Not even TV.

And when I talk to people, I’m practicing not judging them.

It feels awkward.

It feels unnatural.

It feels slow, tedious, and strange — like learning how to walk again.

But I know that not judging others takes energy, discipline, and a decision to look at people with grace instead of reflexively comparing or criticizing.

I believe that in God’s name, in Jesus’ name, the more I practice it, the more fluent I will become.

I’ve also been practicing silence — truly silencing my mind.

And last night, as I lay in bed after smoking, I realized something deep:

Even after removing all my external entertainment…

I was still entertaining myself with my own mind.

I was closing my eyes and imagining anything except my real life.

I was escaping into fantasies, scenarios, dreams, memories — anything to avoid facing the present moment.

My own mind had become the last source of entertainment.

The last escape.

And like every other form of entertainment I’ve used, it has consequences.

I realized last night:

I’ve been running away from my life inside my own head.

So now, the work continues:

I must silence my mind even at night.

I must stop escaping into imagination.

I must face my life fully, clearly, without noise — external or internal.

This is why I’m searching for silence and peace.

Not just outside of me, but inside of me.

Because peace doesn’t come from removing distractions —

it comes from no longer needing them.

Day 4.

And the silence is beginning to reveal truth.