Author Archives: Betterlatethannever

“Everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

— Ephesians 5:13

I remember how it really started.

It wasn’t pornography right away. It was those TV channels—MTV, BET, VH1—music videos and beach parties with women dancing in bikinis. I was just a kid, but I remember how much it aroused me. I would flip through channels looking for that fix—that rush that made me feel alive for a few seconds.

As time went on, I discovered more late-night channels. That’s how it grew. That’s how my drive for digital arousal began.

Now that I’ve stopped watching porn, I notice myself repeating the same pattern in a different form. I’m not on porn sites, but I’m on YouTube watching runway videos, bikini shows, anything that recreates that same feeling. It’s the same doorway, the same chemical reaction.

But this time I see it.

I know that if I keep feeding it, I’ll drift back to pornography again.

And I can’t. I won’t.

Because that feeling gives me nothing I can use—it’s all digital, all empty.

I live in the physical world. I want real connection, not simulation.

Maybe one day I’ll travel, meet people, see beauty in person—but not through a screen.

I’m grateful for this level of consciousness.

Because now, when the urge comes, I can call it out for what it is—a ghost from my past trying to lead me down the same dark road.

This time, I’m walking the other way.

Would you like your Day 23 entry to focus on “Replacing the Digital with the Real”—writing about how you can fill that space with genuine experiences, creativity, and physical life 

“For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”

— Mark 8:36

I can’t stop thinking about that woman.

Even though I’ll probably never see her again, her face keeps coming back to me. She was hesitant to give me her number, but she was fine with Instagram. I told her I don’t have Instagram.

Talking to my friend made me realize something: I’ve always seen myself as a rebel — someone who stands apart from the world. I never liked how society moves today, how social media controls attention, how money drives decisions, how appearances and “status” seem to define worth.

But now that I’m older, I see the paradox.

In order to live and connect in this world, I need to navigate it — without losing myself to it.

I see how many people trade their peace and morals for status or attention. I never wanted to live like that. But I also see that rejecting the system completely keeps me isolated. Because now, when I meet women, they ask for social media — they want to see who I am before they meet who I am. That’s the world we live in. And I get it — I do the same when I look people up. Words aren’t enough anymore.

So maybe I have to learn how to balance both:

To build my physical presence and my online presence.

To use the digital world wisely — not as an escape, but as a mirror of who I’m becoming.

It’s ironic that the internet, which once trapped me through pornography, is now part of what I have to heal. The same place that distorted my view of love is where I must now rebuild authenticity.

Maybe this realization is part of the healing — seeing how the addiction reversed my natural attraction and disconnected me from real connection.

So the goal remains: 90 days of cleansing — not just from porn, but from everything that distorts who I really am.

“For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.”

— 1 John 2:16

Today I went to school, took a test, and passed it. Thank God. My discipline, my patience, and my approach to things are beginning to pay off. It feels good — I’m truly grateful.

But I also want to talk about something I still struggle with: women.

I saw a woman on campus today. She was beautiful — the kind of beauty that stops me in my tracks. When I see a woman like that, something primal in me wakes up. It’s a rush of energy, like a spark in my blood. It makes me feel alive, wild, hungry.

But the problem is, that energy often turns into frustration. I want connection so badly that it shows — and instead of attracting, it pushes away. My friend told me I can come off too strong, too eager, and maybe he’s right. My desire leaks out as desperation, and that can make others uncomfortable.

I’m realizing that the same energy that drives my attraction can also drive my growth — if I learn how to channel it. Instead of letting it control me, I need to master it.

When I get rejected, it stings, but it’s also teaching me emotional balance — how to feel the fire without burning myself.

I want to reach a point where I can admire a woman’s beauty, feel that spark, and still remain centered — calm, confident, whole. That’s what I’m working toward.

Even though it hurts sometimes, I know this pain has purpose.

Because no pain, no gain.

“Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.”

— Proverbs 16:32

It’s Halloween. Everyone’s out having fun, partying, letting loose.

But this year, I don’t feel the urge to go out.

For three years now, I’ve built my own little Halloween tradition: I do Amazon deliveries. It’s fun, it keeps me productive, and I make some extra money. I eat some candy, enjoy the night, and stay calm.

This year feels even better because I’m focused. I’m listening to a book called Eat to Fight Disease, and one of the things it talks about is meditation—how it helps the body heal, how it brings balance and stillness. I’m going to start meditating every day. It’s time to replace bad habits with good ones—habits that build peace instead of chaos.

I’ve also been studying more, becoming more disciplined, and writing down my weekly goals. I don’t always accomplish everything, but now I’m more honest with myself about why. Instead of ignoring my failures, I examine them. I look at my actions, my emotions, my choices—and that reflection helps me prepare for the next five days with clarity.

That’s progress.

That’s growth.

Tonight I’m not chasing excitement.

I’m choosing calm.

And for once, calm feels good.

Day Five

      Pornography and masturbation are always associated with lust, but I think in some cases it is associated with laziness. In my case, the issue is that I knew that pornography and masturbation was an issue for a long time, but I did not act up trying to change this habit, I let it run. It is like knowing that there is something wrong but not doing anything about it. That is like laziness. It is when your car has an issue, and you do not fix it even though you know it is there. This laziness is unbelievably bad. They call it procrastination. I have had this issue for a long time with everything homework jobs ideas, relationships it is laziness and there is no other way to describe it for me. It is hard to tell if my laziness makes made me watch porn instead of getting up and finding a mate or is it because of my pornography I have become lazier. I must look deeper in myself for the answers and ask God for help. I do not want to live in my head. I want to achieve things. I wanna live life. I wanna feel today. I felt happy that I felt good that my dad was home. This is a sign that things are changing for the better in me. Either way, not that I am not watching porn or or masturbating I must make sure I do not get lazy because triggers can come from anywhere.